Why is my Fire Wife such a Grinch?: A Guest Blog post by ‘Firefighter Wife’

by California Casualty | Firefighters | 0 comments

This Guest Blog post by blogger Firefighter Wife is the featured article in our Firefighters’ News Resource: Flashpoint. To sign up to receive Flashpoint in your inbox once a month, click here! 

Why is my Fire Wife such a Grinch?: A Guest Blog post by Firefighter Wife blogger Lori Mercer

I’ve been married to my firefighter for over 10 years now.  He’s been a firefighter for all that time.  It’s all I know.   And when we were young with infants in our arms and toddlers constantly underfoot, I was a hot mess of a young fire wife.  I would stand at the front door at 6 am with an already fussy baby in my arms praying the 3-year-old would sleep another hour.  And I’d cry as he walked out with his evil gear bag.  I’d cry about why he was leaving to go have breakfast at the fire house instead of spending 10 more minutes with me.  Later that day, I would imagine the wildest rescue accident possible, starring my firefighter as the victim.   And when I couldn’t reach anyone at the station phone, I’d turn on the local news to confirm it wasn’t really happening.   I’d fall asleep before he’d call at night and wake up angry.  Convinced some toxic malice overtakes him at the firehouse and he falls out of love with me while there, refusing to call and say good night.

Yes, these are real life thoughts in the head of a young fire wife.  You can chalk it up to postpartum hormones or 29-year-old learning-to-be-married selfishness.   But now, only 11 blink-of-an-eye years later, my 40-year-old wisdom has finally got a grip.

Oh how I wish I could bottle my lessons up in magic fairy dust and send one to every new fire wife out there.

Maybe, just maybe, some of you can relate to these crazy fire family dynamics.  And nothing makes the fire wife grinch come out on attack like the holiday season.  Oh how can the holidays frustrate a fire wife.   Let me count the ways.

• 12 Hours of Overtime
• 11 times being asked where your husband is while single-mom-ing the church Christmas party
• 10 gifts still left to wrap by yourself on Christmas Eve
• 9 -to-5ers bragging about 14 days off work with their family
• 8 little gifts to find for the guys on his crew
• 7 dozen cookies to bake for the neighborhood cookie exchange
• 6 text message photos from the store to figure out which gift is best for the father-in-law
• 5 upset family members because you can’t attend family Christmas on the day planned because he’s on shift
• 4 different plans to explain why Santa is arriving the morning of the 24th instead of the 25th
• 3 hour drive, by yourself, with kids in tow and car packed to the hilt, to celebrate Christmas without him at your parents
• 2 bickering kids who are missing their Daddy
• 1 tired firefighter who took a very hurt baby girl out of a mangled car at 1 am and doesn’t want to hear you whine about any of these minor annoyances

You’re a mean one, Mrs. Grinch!  Is that really all I can think about?   Does my firefighter really want to hear the replay AGAIN of how we’re going to pull off Santa’s arrival on the 23rd?   Or another play-by-play of the conversation with the sister-in-law?    Is this ringing any angelic bells for you?

Want to know some secrets that will melt your ice queen’s heart this holiday season?

Maybe not but I’m going to tell you anyhow.   Here’s a little background info on what might be running around her pretty little head:

The first few years of our marriage, I spent fighting and resisting the firefighter family system.  I literally grieved the holiday traditions I shared growing up with my family.   I struggled to find a rhythm when one year it was Christmas on the 23rd and another on the 26th and every 3rd year we could actually travel together.  I craved our own set of family traditions for the holidays and took the control freak approach to planning perfect family memories for those 12-hour periods he was home and awake on a December weekend.  Putting up the tree. Driving around to see the lights at night.  Baking and decorating cut out cookies with the kids.

It became forceful and stressed as I tried to fit my family traditions into the new firefighter lifestyle.

Here’s the clue.  She is GRIEVING.  Not rejoicing and fa-la-la-ing.

She might know only her family life traditions and yearns for sharing that with you.  But like everything else in marriage, it’s new and different, and especially really weird with this wacky fire service schedule.   And you only get one chance a year to test it out.  Then next year, it’s different again.  And some crappy years, she loses you for Thanksgiving AND Christmas AND New Year’s.  And some really, really crappy years it’s Leap Year and happens twice in a row.

Here’s what NOT to say to a wife in this delicate state:

• “You know I have to go to the station.  Why is this different than any other day?”
• “It’s no big deal.  I’ll be home tomorrow and we’ll celebrate then.”
• “Go on and enjoy yourself at my family’s Christmas without me.”
• “Don’t wait for me.  You can put the tree up with the kids.”
• “I’ll call/text you a lot.”  (And then don’t.  Because firefighters have busy days.  But broken promises do more damage than the hope they hold.)
• “When you visit me at the fire house, it will be just like we’re all together for Christmas.”  (No.  It’s not just like that.  It’s like celebrating with you and 8 other prankster boys. )
• “Why don’t you cook up a nice dinner for you and the kids at home on Christmas day?”
• “The kids won’t even notice what day we open gifts.”

So what *should* you do and say? 

You’ve got to be on her team.  To join in the cause.   Simply recognize her efforts.  Be understanding of those feelings.  Help her grieve.  Ask her how she’s feeling and brainstorm ideas for how to make it all work.   If you really want to wow her, surprise her with thoughtful new traditions specially designed for your little fire family.  Special ornaments.  A firehouse recipe you make at home.   Be present with her on your off days and enjoy some holiday cheer together.

Basically, remember the Who’s in Whoville who loved Christmas a lot.   The truth is, it’s not about when or where or how you celebrate.  Because Mrs. Grinch,  Christmas, means a little bit more.   You’ve already got the keys to heart and only you know best how to make it grow.

(PS – If she’s still a hot mess, you might want to hook her up with a bunch of other understanding fire wives in our private community at FirefighterWife.com.  It’s been said multiple times that this group has helped many women understand their firefighters better and improve their marriages!)

_____________

About the Firefighter Wife

Lori Mercer is a fire wife and mother of 4 running the Firefighter Wife community with a goal to strengthen fire marriages and be an encouragement to fire wives.  She owns Picture Your Life, her Consulting Business for Internet Marketing and Web Development.  Currently she cannot wait until July 25, 2013 for the first annual “Flame Fest” Fire Wife Gathering where she will finally meet in person so many amazing fire wives from the online community.  Basically, she’s on fire for fire families and long over the Fire Wife Grinch stage.

Read more at the Firefighter Wife Blog! Click here!
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Thankful for a Safe Thanksgiving

by California Casualty | Firefighters | 0 comments

It’s almost Thanksgiving!

I don’t know about you, but my visions of Thanksgiving usually look more like this:

Yummmmm.

And hopefully not at all like this…

Yikes.

But the truth is…

Thanksgiving is the leading day of the year for home fires involving cooking equipment.(*) 

This year, as we gather to give thanks for our families & blessings, let’s protect those very people & things by practicing safe cooking.

Here are some Tips from the National Fire Protection Association and The Red Cross:

1. Never leave the kitchen when you are cooking on the stove top. Unattended cooking causes fires.
2. Keep potholders and food wrappers at least 3 feet away from heat sources while cooking
3. Stay at home while turkey is cooking and check on its progress frequently
4. Keep children at least 3 feet away from the stove, hot foods and hot liquids. Steam or splash from gravy, vegetables or coffee could cause serious burns
5. Wear tighter-fitting clothes with shorter sleeves while cooking
6. Set timers to keep track of food items that require extended cooking times
7. Turn the handles of pots and pans on the stove inward, away from the edge, to avoid accidents
8. Follow all manufacturer guidelines regarding the appropriate use of appliances
9. Keep the floor clear so you don’t trip over toys, bags or other clutter while walking with hot food
10. Keep all knives, sharp cooking utensils, matches and lighters high up, away from the edges of counter tops, to keep kids safe
11. Keep electric cords for electric knives, coffee makers, warmers and mixers tucked away- kids can pull on the cords and be harmed by falling equipment or tangled cords could get too close to stove tops or heating plates.
12. Test your smoke alarms!
13. After guests leave, designate a responsible adult to walk around the home and double check that all candles are extinguished and all cooking or heat sources are turned off

At Home: A Guest Blog from Rescue Cpt. Michael Morse

by California Casualty | Firefighters | 0 comments

It was weird watching Hurricane Sandy through my front window rather than through the windshield of Rescue 5. It seems as though every major storm that passed through New England over the last twenty some odd years waited for me to start my tour. Sad truth is, I liked that just fine. It’s easy being alone during bad weather, even if the job you are doing is hard. This time, things were different; I had to ride it out at home.

Being home and helpless is difficult. As the winds picked up velocity and the branches of the trees, and the trees themselves shook, and shattered and fell to the ground I could do nothing but watch. My window was as close to the action as I would get, and I was not all that crazy about standing too close to that window! I found it difficult to sit still and watch things go flying by, but there was nothing I could do to change what was happening.

Nature’s fury is a little less intimidating thanks to advances in technology. By pressing a button we are able to track a storm, know when it’s coming, when it’s going, how much rain to expect, how strong the winds will be, and a whole bunch of other information like barometric pressure and things like that that mean absolutely nothing to me. What did matter was the fact that I knew that this too would pass, and the lights will come on, and hopefully stay on, and life will return to normal. This confidence in our ability to weather a storm is a luxury only afforded the most recent generation, prior to us people hunkered down when the wind blew, hopeful it would end, but not knowing if things would get worse before they got better.

Maybe things were better that way, and some fear was instilled in humanity. Humility and appreciation seem much more appetizing when not sure if at the next moment everything could end, or be forever changed. Alas, humility has never been my strength, and as I watched the chaos outside of my window I knew it would all be over soon. The TV told me so.

I’ve often said that it’s our families that deserve the credit when we are out doing our thing, but I never really believed it. I thought I believed it, and if questioned would vociferously defend that statement, but as the windows shook, and more branches fell, and another tree succumbed to the eighty mile an hour gusts, and my heart pounded a little harder than I thought possible, and I contemplated calling 911 to report trees in the wires, I realized just how much I had taken the family I left behind for granted. I was nervous, and worried, and it was not a feeling that I’m used to. My family was used to it, having been left alone during emergencies for years.

I enjoy nothing more that being called to action, and braving the elements while responding to some emergency or other. It’s an adrenaline rush like no other, fighting natures wrath on the way to save some poor soul from whatever predicament they find themselves in. Even the most wildly lived lives consist mostly of boring routine, and the chance to challenge the elements and make a difference and break the monotony  is one I live for. Losing myself in an emergency is easy, and life affirming, and an enormous ego boost.

It’s a wonder I can even fit my head through the doorway of our home, where I weathered this storm, miserable, knowing that I was missing all of the fun.

And my wife stood by, busy with her routine, comfortable in her place, batteries ready, candles where they needed to be, dinner for days prepared, ice in the cooler, crossword puzzle books and some games next to the battery operated radio.

She was prepared. I was not. Somewhere in my thick skull the notion that I was above commoners in terms of severe weather readiness resided. Let the hurricanes, blizzards, heat waves, tornadoes and earthquakes come; I am ready, willing and able to respond to those emergencies! But prepare for them? Not even close. Preparation is dull, part of that 90% monotony called life. Preparation for things that “might” happen is far different than responding to things that “did” happen.

In my arrogance I failed to allow myself to live a moment in my families shoes. It is frightening enough to be at the mercy of the elements, hoping that the walls keep the weather out, and the basement stays dry, and the roof remains in place. Hunkering down during a storm is highly underrated. It takes more courage than I ever imagined, and I cannot begin to imagine one of us being out during the worst of it. I honestly don’t think I have what it takes to keep the home together, and stocked, and prepared. Sure, I can put beer in the fridge, and get cans of tuna and a manual opener, but can I keep my emotions in check when the house is shaking and the person I love is not there?

Being prepared is harder than responding. True strength of character is necessary, as well as leadership, courage, and faith. Anybody can take care of things after they happen, waiting for and being ready for anything that might happen, and doing so when you are terrified and your other half is gone takes a special person.

Storms will come, and storms will go, and each one is different in its intensity and potential for inflicting damage. Hurricane Sandy was a doozy, blazing a path of death and destruction through the eastern states. Truly heroic acts were performed by our first responders, and I watched the events over and over on my TV, proud to be part of that world, all the while humbled and awed by the heroes under my own roof.

________

Captain Michael Morse is a Rescue Captain in the Providence Fire Department’s rescue unit and author of two books: “Rescuing Providence” and “Responding.” His blog was voted the winner of the 2012 CalCas Battle of the Blogs ‘Top Firefighter & EMT Blog.’ Cpt. Morses’s books & blog are great resources for EMTs and Firefighters- full of advice, news briefs, and day-to-day insider stories. To learn more about Captain Morse, check out our interview with him!

Fire Safety Month and Fire Prevention Week

by California Casualty | Firefighters | 1 comment

We’ve all heard Benjamin Franklin’s famous line…

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

But you know what? When it comes to Fire Prevention, it’s so true. Just ask a Firefighter.

October is National Fire Safety Month!

And October 7-13 is National Fire Prevention Week.

What can you do to prevent a dangerous and damaging fire? Here are some tips! 

• Put a smoke alarm on every level of your home, outside each sleeping area, and in every bedroom.
• If you have hearing problems, use alarms with flashing strobe lights and vibration.
• Test smoke alarms every month. Test your smoke alarms and practice your escape plan at night to see if your child will wake up and respond to the alarm. Children sleep more deeply and may not wake up. If your child does not wake up to the alarm, try an alarm where you can program your voice to alert him or her.
• Replace batteries once a year, even if alarms are hardwired.
• Mount smoke alarms high on walls or ceilings since smoke rises. Ceiling-mounted alarms should be installed at least 4 inches away from the nearest wall. Wall-mounted alarms should be installed 4 to 12 inches away from the ceiling.
• Plan and practice several escape routes and a safe place to meet outside.
• Plan and practice two escape routes out of each room of the house. It is important to have an alternate escape route in case one is blocked by fire.
• Fire drills should be practiced at least twice a year. Home fires and home fire-related deaths are more likely to occur during cold-weather months, December through February.
• Designate an outside meeting place, so all members of the family can be accounted for quickly. Once you are outside, call the fire department or 911 from a cell phone or neighbor’s phone.
• Teach safety. A child who is coached properly ahead of time may have a better chance of surviving.
• Teach children never to go back into a burning building for anything such as a toy or pet, and to call the fire department or 911 from a neighbor’s home or a cell phone outside.
• Teach children that if their clothes catch on fire, they should immediately stop, drop to the ground and roll themselves back and forth quickly to extinguish the flames.
• Take children to your local fire station for a tour. Children will be able to see a firefighter in full gear and learn that he or she is someone who saves children – not someone to be afraid of or hide from.
• Teach children to never touch or play with matches, candles, gasoline or lighters.
• Check the kitchen for preventable hazards and supervise children at all times in the kitchen.
• Keep children away from cooking and heating appliances. Never leave the kitchen while cooking and never leave a child alone.
• Keep anything that can catch fire away from your stovetop.
• Cook with pots and pans on back burners. Turn handles away from the front.
• Keep matches, lighters, and gasoline locked away and out of children’s reach. Keep flammable items such as clothing, furniture, newspapers or magazines at least three feet away from the fireplace, heater or radiator.
• Store all flammable liquids such as gasoline outside of the home.
• Place space heaters at least 3 feet from anything that can catch fire such as curtains or papers.
• Always turn space heaters off when leaving the room or going to bed.
• Plug an electric space heater into an outlet with enough capacity. Never plug it into an extension cord.
• Place covers over unused electrical outlets and avoid plugging several appliance cords into the same electrical socket.
• Replace old or frayed electrical wires and appliance cords, and keep them on top of, not beneath rugs.
• Never leave a burning candle unattended. Place candles in a safe location away from combustible materials and where children or pets cannot tip them over.
• Have chimneys cleaned and inspected once a year.

Live in a dorm or other university housing? Click here for tips on preventing fires and planning a safe course of action!